Thanks For Waiting

07:13 call duration

“Thanks for waiting. Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold.”

I know this call is important but jeez! I am losing the will already. Seven minutes on hold and that incessant mundane music is doing my head in.
The trouble is, it is a really important phone call. I hate receiving letters through the post from Her Majesty’s Revenue and Customs. They always put me on edge and make me feel I have done something wrong. But I haven’t done anything wrong I just want some clarity and some answers. I haven’t done anything wrong….have I?

“Did you know that many of your questions can be answered online at www dot gov dot uk forward slash income tax ?”

No shit Sherlock! I’m not stupid but I really need to speak with a human, like in the olden days. Have a conversation and chat with REAL people, not AI nor recorded messages, just everyday real life normal people.
I find myself staring at the buildings opposite my kitchen window. I follow the lines from the apex to the chimney checking to see if it looks straight. I start to count the tiles. I follow the roof of the dormer window and see if it lines up with the neighbours. Anything to avoid listening to the crap on the telephone.

“Thanks for continuing to hold. An advisor will answer your call as soon as possible.”

Yes! Blah! Blah! Blah! Your patronising tone isn’t helping me right now. God this music really is bad. It’s sort of tuneless but with rhythm.
How many windows are on that house over there? Lots. I never realised. Why had I not noticed before?

11:42 call duration

“Thanks for waiting. Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold.”

I watch my neighbours, Gina and John with their Alsatian, Oakley. Those three walk miles. John is always up early. He gets in a good hours walk before he heads off to work from HOME! No daily commute for him, lucky bloke. A van pulls up and out jump three masked gardeners to tidy up the park. Lucky them as well. Can’t beat the outdoors, all that fresh air. Whilst I sit, grim faced, holding a telephone at arm’s length, and with speaker on.

“Thanks for continuing to hold. An advisor will answer your call as soon as possible.”

Please come on! What is this music called? Why would I even want to know, what it’s called. It is utter garbage. But I keep playing it over and over in my head like an earworm. Why??
A robin averts my gaze out of the window. It eats from my feeder. Alone. Pretty little bird. I wonder if any Robins’ will nest in our box this year.

18:21 call duration

This is getting silly now. Always having to wait. Don’t you realise I have things to do? I am a busy person. I don’t have time to sit here, in my kitchen, listening to this repetitive dross. I bite my lip. People to see, things to do, not sat here festering! Aaaargh! I have another two calls to make after this one. Firstly the NHS to sort out my sons’ prescription prepayment certificate and then to my insurance company who thought it a good idea to increase my premiums by a hundred and twenty percent.

“Thanks for waiting. Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold.”

That car is speeding. “Slow down mate you idiot. There is a school up the road and its thirty miles an hour, not fifty.”
LOL! I spy with my little eye, a road sweeper. Part of the developer’s criteria is to keep the road on our estate, clear of debris and muck. LOL! That will fuck them up. Try speeding now idiots. Oh! Goody look at them crawl. Music to my ears! Well apart from the continual barrage of shite whilst I remain on hold.

“Thanks for continuing to hold. An advisor will answer your call as soon as possible.”

23:09 call duration

I drift again. I wander where that handsome couple are going. Why isn’t he working? I wonder what he does for a living. Is that his wife or girlfriend or his bit on the side? I smile. Lucky fella!
Mind wanders again. Another guy on his bike. He’s heading for the small coffee van across the road. Franco makes fantastic coffee. You should see the crowds he gets on a Saturday morning. Dog rolls and a coffee, lovely. I could do with a coffee now.

“Thanks for waiting. Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold.”

Yes! Okay. I get it. Somehow in a previous life, I must have really pissed someone off. He or she is probably on the end of the phone right now, laughing. Oh! Yes, very funny. God I want to hang up. I really want to hang up and start my day again, but this call is really important to me.

“Did you know that many of your questions can be answered online at www dot gov dot uk forward slash income tax ?”

And breathe…. Nice and slowly, in through the nose and out through the mouth. In through the nose, hold, and out through the mouth. I’ve tapped my pen so much on the table I think I have bruised the surface.

31:01 call duration

Thirty? Thirty fucking minutes now. OH! COME ON!!
I could be doing so many more constructive things than wasting my life away. Bloody music is driving me nuts. And those messages “Thank you for waiting. Your call is important to us. Please continue……..Up yours!

“Thanks for continuing to hold. An advisor will answer your call as soon as possible.”

I want to shove this phone where the sun doesn’t shine. Aaaargh!!! Tedious!!!
Deep breaths. COME ON PLEASE!! I really need a coffee now. Now I need the loo. I’m busting. It would be sods law that I go to the toilet and someone actually answers the phone. Surely not? Could it? FFS!

“Thanks for waiting. Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold.”

35.29 call duration

I’m actually watching the call duration clock up. Thirty five minutes and twenty nine seconds, thirty seconds, thirty one seconds. It’s a lifetime.
Surely they have staff? Why is it that every single time I phone the HMRC, I have to go through this nightmare of tedium? Patience is a virtue they say. My patience is done for. It’s gone.
I’m watching buildings again. I have managed to completely zone out from the babbling drone that has lambasted my eardrums for the past half hour or so.

“Thanks for continuing to hold. An advisor will answer your call as soon as possible.”

39:56 call duration

“Hello! HMRC how can we help you?”
What? Yes! Finally. “Hello. My name is Mr Jones…I’m calling about...”
“Hello! HMRC how can we help you?”
“Yes! I’m here. Can you hear me? Hello!”
“Hello! Hello! Can I help you sir”
“Yes! I AM HERE. Can you hear me?”
“Hello! Is anybody there?”
“Please! NO!!!!!!”
CLICK!

I’m like a demented duck screaming and shouting at the phone. FFS! Bastards!
I throw the phone. Not the wisest choice I have ever made.
The hard tiled floor can be quite ruthless with plastic.
I grab the dustpan and brush and sweep up the debris. God I need a coffee.

***